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Chapter 4: Is Your Firewall Up?
Date Published: January 25, 2011
Running Time: 8:04
Presented by: Justin Robert Young and Brian Brushwood with Andrew Mayne
The 4Chan Military attacks Chatrealm and Justin and Brian find themselves drawn into the middle of the battle. Can anyone fend off the massive horde of 4Chan?
“We need to get out there and defend the city!” Giggleloop yells as she grabs a sword and jumps over the bar.
“Defend the city?” Brian asks as he stands up and follows Giggleloop out of the bar, “From what?”
“4Chan,” Giggleloop exits the bar and looks around for the action, “They are our neighbors to the East.” The three head towards the East wall where soldiers are gathering, “We used to be allies in war, but they got too large, too barbaric, and finally, they tried to destroy Chatrealm due to their silly hubris.” They approach the East wall, and a man standing next to a massive raptor, petting it while sharpening a sword. “Captain Drewsipher, what do we have?”
“A small contingent of soldiers of 4Chan, maybe a hundred, two hundred at the most, but nothing to be underestimated.” The man says as he sheathes his sword and feeds the raptor a chicken. An arrow shoots over the wall as the roars of soldiers can be heard just on the other side. “You two,” Drewsipher points at Brian and Justin, “What weapons do you wield?”
“Well I am quite good with sabers,” Justin laughs, “Of both the light and non-light variety.”
“Alright,” Captain Drewsipher throws Justin a massive hooked metal sword, who looks at it confused, and then swings it with glee. Drewsipher looks onto Brian.
“Well I don't suppose you guys have any guns, I am a master marksman.” Brian scratches his head.
“Very good,” Drewsipher hands Brian a long bow and a quiver of arrows.
“Well I've never really fired a bow...” Brian looks at the bow, “Ahh, I'll figure it out.” Giggleloop swings her sword in smooth strokes.
“What's the plan Captain?” She asks as she rests her sword on her shoulder.
“I think we're gonna do the Firewall.” Drewsipher mimes an explosion, “Where's my goddamn oil!” Two soldiers run up with cauldrons of oil. “Ah, Swagger, and Private Aloic, very good, you two have the tough job for today. You need to go out on the other side of the wall and get this oil as well dispersed among the enemy as possible.”
“Yes sir!” Swagger and Aloic salute.
“We're gonna cover you as well as possible to keep you alive.” Drewsipher says as he signals a squad of soldiers. “Are you two ready?”
“Open the gate!” Drewsipher yells, and the East gate slides open. Barbaric looking soldiers try and run into the city, but are beaten back out of the gate by the knights of Chatrealm. An opening into the horde of the invading force is made by the soldiers, and Swagger and Private Aloic run out into the fray with the pots of oil, letting it seep out as they run into the horde of 4Chan soldiers. Archers on top of the walls keep them covered with well place arrows to the head or the groin of enemy combatants. Brian runs up to the ramparts and starts trying to fire the bow, while Justin stands at the gates of the City and prepares to fight off anyone who enters the city with his oversized saber.
“Almost got it!” The Swagger can be heard yelling from within the hordes of enemies as he dumps more oil and dodges a sword, kicking the foolish soldier square in the testicles. A 4Chan soldier wielding a massive axe breaks through the line and enters the gate, coming straight for Justin. Justin's eyes get wide, and he prepares his sword. The soldier raises the axe high, and brings it down with a heavy cleave. Justin rolls out of the way just as the axe slams into the ground. He rolls to his feet and brings the saber quickly across the back of his enemies legs. The 4Chani falls to his knees, and Justin prepares the death strike, but is caught by a quick backhand by the soldier. Justin is knocked back into a wall. As Justin tries to collect himself, he is caught by a swift kick dropping him to the ground. Justin looks up at the massive axe as it block out the sun overhead.
The 4Chani soldier looks down at Justin, and begins to bring the axe down. All of a sudden, he stumbles forward, dropping the axe harmlessly to the ground, and reaching around his back. He turns around, and Justin sees an arrow lodged squarely in his spine. Up on the ramparts, Brian is cheering.
“It worked, it worked, I finally got it!” Brian cheers, jumping high and trying to click his heels, but failing miserably. The 4Chani soldier falls to the dirt.
“Done” Aloic can be heard screaming from well beyond the ranks of the 4Chan forces. He and Swagger had dispersed the oil, and were on the other side of the invading force. From high on the ramparts, Cheeto signals them, and they both drop their cauldrons, and run off around the enemy forces.
“Close the gate!” Sir Cheeto yells. Giggleloop kicks a man in the face, and throws him by the throat out of the city, and a row of archers fire into the enemy force. The 4Chan militia back off for a second, and the gate slams shut. “Good,” Cheeto yells, “KUHAAAAAAAN!” Cheeto yells the name, but nothing happens. The enemy forces begin to hammer at the gate.
“KUHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!” This time Cheeto is joined in by several others in screaming the name. Down in the city, a man sitting in a chair eating a sandwich looks up confused. Kuhan remembers his task, and drops his sandwich into the dirt, he grabs his bow, and runs towards the East wall. He arrives, and lights the tip of his arrow on fire. He pulls back the string as hard as he can, and fires the flaming arrow over the wall. On the other side, the ground bursts into flames, as do many of the 4Chan soldiers. Those that are not dying in a fire begin to flee for their lives from the flame, back to the Eastern Kingdom of 4Chan. Kuhan smiles, and walks back over to his chair. Picking up his sandwich, he sits back down, and after picking a pebble from his snack, he takes a bite and laughs.
“kuhan...” Cheeto says in utter amazement. The Swagger and Private Aloic appear back in town, having run all the way around to the West gate. Brian and Justin meet up just inside the gate, and Justin points down at the massive soldier that had almost killed him.
“Look at that guy!” Brian flexes his arms and kisses his bow, “I killed me a giant.”
“Well come on now Brian,” Justin says as he hands his saber to some random person passing by, “I helped.”
“Sure sure,” Brian rests his bow on a wall as Giggleloop approaches, with specks of blood on her face.
“You guys did good out there.” She sheathes her sword and wipes blood from her dress.
“Thanks, but I was actually wondering if you knew how we might get back to where we came from,” Brian asks with concern on his face.
“And where was that exactly,” Giggleloop starts to walk back towards the bar, and Brian and Justin follow shortly behind.
“That's kinda complicated,” Justin tries to figure out the best way to say it, “Simplest way to say it is 'not around here'”
“Well if it's something like that, then I would talk to Patrick Delahanty, he is the Keeper of Knowledge, and you'll find him at the library,” Giggleloop points over to an old stone building, “If there's a way back home for you two, P. Delahanty will know it.”
This chapter was written by Josh Hilp. The full text of this chapter can also be found at Chaos Buffering. Audio editing was provided by Zak Holder.