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Chapter 3: Welcome to Chatrealm!
Date Published: January 2, 2011
Running Time: 9:43
Presented by: Justin Robert Young and Brian Brushwood
Brian and Justin are saved by Sir Cheeto of the Chat and taken to the kingdom of Chatrealm where they visit the bar and encounter Giggleloop, eSpen the Insane, and Teetu the bard.
The demon swings it's massive arm wide and strikes the tree that Justin is hiding behind. Just above Justin's head, the tree is splintered and flies off in a million tiny pieces. Justin rolls forward from the force of the impact and jumps to his feet, staring at the demon only 20 feet away. Brian jumps out of the way as his own tree suffers the same fate, and the demon takes a large lumbering step forward, and releases another bellowing roar. It reels back it's right claw to strike at them, and a spear flies through the air, impaling the demon's shoulder. It lets out a terrified screech, and backs away. Brian looks back the way the spear had come from, and sees a knight in full plate armor riding a horse.
“Quickly,” He reaches down his hand, “Get on my horse.” Brian and Justin jump on the back of the horse, and the three ride off away from the forest.
“Wow, this horse is really fast.” Justin looks down at the blur of the ground.
“My horse IS amazing,” The knight pats the horse on the neck as they continue to gallop across the plains.
“And it tastes just like raisins!” Justin yells.
“Why in gods name did you just lick the horse?” Brian looks back confounded at Justin.
“I don't know,” Justin shrugs, “You've never just had an urge to lick something?”
“What!? No! Are you high!?” Brian shakes his head and looks far off in the direction they are headed. “Thank you for saving us,” Brian looks at the back of the shiny silver helmet. “My name is Brian Brushwood, and my friend is Justin Robert Young.”
“It's been a while since I have seen people near those woods,” The knight says as he turns the horse up a large hill, “And they call me Sir Cheeto, of the Chat, at your service.”
“Well thank you Sir Cheeto,” Justin looks up towards the top of the hill, “But where are we headed.
“Back to town of course, unless you guys have somewhere else you wanted me to take you?”
“We're kind of new here, we still don't really know what's going on.” Brian looks up at the sky, trying to tell if it is real or painted.
“Then I think town is the right bet for you two, my patrol was about over anyway,” Cheeto says as the near the top of the hill.
“How far is it to town?” Justin asks.
“Almost,” Sir Cheeto pauses, “there.” The horse hits the top of the hill, and down at the bottom sits a massive village, surrounded by a stone and wood wall. A large castle sits to one side, and people can be seen wandering around the paths. “Welcome, gentlemen, to Chatrealm.” Cheeto gives his horse a kick to get it started down the hill.
“Wow, look at that!” Brian yells as he looks over the whole city, trying to see into the buildings, trying to see who the people were. As they get close to the walls of the city, Cheeto raises a hand high into the air.
“Open the gates!” He yells as two men standing on top of the wall signal down. The giant wooden doors slowly slide open, and the three on the horse enter the city. The gate closes behind them as several men approach the men.
“What's this then Cheeto? You pick yourself up some strays did ya'?” One of the men says as Cheeto hands him a pack off of the horse.
“Something like that,” Cheeto jumps off his horse as the two men who approached help Brian and Justin off. “Just take my horse to the stables if you please.”
“Right away sir!” The man takes the reins of the horse and walks it off into town. Sir Cheeto faces the Brian and Justin and removes his helmet, revealing a face covered in a bright orange, bushy beard, and topped by curly orange hair.
“Oh,” Justin looks him over, “Is that why they call you Sir Cheeto?”
“Is what why they call me Sir Cheeto?”
“Uh,” Justin looks at Brian, then back over at Cheeto, “Never mind.”
“I'll show you to the bar, but after that I have some things to attend to.” Cheeto points down the path and begins to walk.”
“A bar???” Brian looks down the path with a new level of excitement, “Like with alcohol?”
“I believe that's generally what they are for yes young Brushwood.” Cheeto laughs as he points down the path a ways at a large building with a pillar of smoke rising out of the chimney. “It is also a common meeting place for the townsfolk.”
“So what is it that you do around here Cheeto, you seem to be a high ranking officer of some kind.” Justin scratches his beard as they approach the door to the bar.
“I am the leader of the guard, I conduct the militia,” He replies, “Well, what little militia we still have.” Cheeto opens the door to the bar, with a large number of tables filled with people. Cheeto walks them over to the bar, where a woman walks up wiping down a glass.
“You need something to drink already Cheeto, it's not even past noon yet is it?” The woman asks as he puts the glass under the bar.
“No no no, nothing for me, but I found these two lost over by the woods, figured maybe you could acquaint them with the town while I attend to some things.”
“Sure thing, have a seat boys, I'll get you something to drink.” She walks away as Justin and Brian sit down at the bar. She comes back a minute later with two glasses of “beer” and puts them down on the bar. “The name's Giggleloop, and this is my bar.”
“Hello Giggleloop, the name's Justin, and this guy with the hair is Brian.” Justin takes a drink of the “beer” and winces for a second.
“Nice to meet you both, people around town also tend to call me Laughtrack because I tell such awesome jokes.” Giggleloop smiles as she takes a drink of her own beer.
“Oh really?” Brian takes a big swig from his drink, “Can we hear one?”
A man stumbles out of the bar and walks on down the street mumbling something to his left hand.
“And then the dolphin says 'gurble grahhhh garrrrrrr'” Giggleloop finishes the joke and takes a drink as Brian and Justin both spit out their drinks.
“Ahhhhh, that's awful!” Brian laughs.
“But sooooooo funny!” Justin wipes beer off of his shirt.
“VI ER ODDRANE! OG VI SYNGER ALLE MANN! HEIA ODD GRENLAND! HEIA ODD GRENLAND!” A man swinging his glass stands up from his table on the other side of the bar and begins singing. Brian and Justin look over their shoulders at the man.
“Who's that guy?” Brian asks.
“That,” Giggleloop looks over at the man, “That's Espen the Insane.”
“King eSpen the Insane!” The drunken man walks over to the bar and puts his empty glass down, “You have to say the S louder or else it doesn't sound right.” He stammers out as Giggleloop fills his drink, and he walks off back over to his table. “Underbuksene mine er fulle av paprika!!!”
“He's not from around here,” Giggleloop whispers to Brian and Justin as Espen sits back down.
“What's he saying?” Justin asks, “I don't understand that language.”
“Nobody knows,” Giggleloop shrugs, “We are pretty sure it's just drunken gibberish.” Espen returns with an empty glass and places it on the counter, only this time he seems very concerned. “What's wrong eSpen?” Giggleloop asks as she fills his drink back up.
“j-j-eg shitter på en kalkun!!”
“Oh that's terrible, here you go.” She hands him the full glass and he takes it and walks slowly back over to his table.
“Weird,” Justin says as he takes a drink of his own drink. From across the bar can be heard the sound of music, a lute and gentle singing.
“Cat crack is a one of a kind,” Justin and Brian look over to see a man playing a lute on the other side of the bar. “You can see him smoking crack up on his daily grind.”
“Oh, that's Teetu,” Giggleloop points over at him, “The town bard, he writes such odd songs.” Teetu across the bar finishes a song, and starts one with a faster beat. He gets lower and plays his lute faster and more intensely.
“Adrien Brody Adrien Brody Adrien Brody.” He starts singing as the beat gets faster and faster.
“Oh I love this song,” Giggleloop smiles, “But sometimes he loses track of time, he once played this song for 3 hours straight.” Teetu starts to play more quietly and sing almost at a whisper.
“adrienbrody adrienbrody... adrienbrody.” And when one of his onlookers gets in close to hear, “ADRIEN BRODY ADRIEN BRODY.” The man jumps back in shock and everyone around laughs at him. All of a sudden, a ruckus can be heard outside the bar, and a man runs in.
“The 4Chan Military is attacking!” He screams, and people begin emptying out of the bar.
This chapter was written by Josh Hilp. The full text of this chapter can also be found at Chaos Buffering. Audio editing was provided by Zak Holder.